Once Upon a Heart by Jenna McLaughlin

Growing up, I heard stories that began with Once Upon a time and that ended with They ALL lived Happily Ever After. This story is not that of handsome Prince's, wicked stepmother, fairy godmothers, and grand balls. This story is about faith, courage, heartache, love and hope. This story is that of a mother, a mother that no longer lives for herself but that for a child that has moved her beyond the soul. This story is that of my daughter, Lilyana Annsaleigh, this story is for all those who have fought our fight, to those who are still fighting and those who no longer could. May the Lord help me open your eyes to a world no parent should ever have to walk through, let me tell you Lily's story!

Chapter 1

When you think of the word nurturing what comes to mind? Caring, tenderness, motherly love etc. I believe almost all woman are born with that instinct, to care for another. From the time we start pretend play we want to play house or doctor. We are raised being taught, we as woman are to be the primary care giver. As little girls we dream of our wedding day, our dress, the man we are going to marry, what our children are going to look like, to how many kids we are going to have. So needless to say when those days finally come we are overjoyed and filled with such happiness words will never describe. Let me introduce myself, my name is Jenna, my life is of little to no significance but this book is not just about me. I have three children, but this isn't about all of them, just one, my youngest. This is our story, our journey, which is not over and never will be, until the time comes, and my daughter is called back home to the Lord.

I have always wanted children, tons of them actually. When I was 8 years old I do believe, I told one of my best girlfriends at the time that I wanted at least 10 children and I would not be happy with less then that. Who ever would have guessed less then 10 years later I would be having my first child. I did things a little backwards, I met my husband in cooking class of all places, my junior year. I was 16 at the time, we met in January of 2003, he was shy and reserved and believe it or not, so was I. I remember the first day I saw him, I was called out of dance class and they told me my transfer out of the class went through and I was to head over to cooking class that moment. Oh I was so not a pretty sight, I was in my jazz shoes, sweat pants, a color guard t-shirt and my hair was askew and pinned to my forehead with sweat. I walked into the class, which was already half way over needless to say, and handed my slip to the teacher, as I was standing there waiting for her to add me to the attendance, my eyes roamed the class room. Low and behold, they fell upon this guy who had a grey sweatshirt with a hood on, he had his head down on the table and I could almost swear I heard him snorring....ok...maybe not but it sounded good...right honey? He must have felt me watching him because his head lifted and he looked at me, gave me a smirk of some sort before his eyes closed and head hit the table again. Lord knows I should have stayed away from him....leave it to me to like someone who sleeps in class...oh wait...I don't think I have much room to talk here...I slept in class almost half the time, I was not the exemplary student. So how did these two shy people ever end up having kids you must ask and getting married? Well be patient I was getting there! I was telling a friend of mine how I thought he was cute but out of my league, my husband laughs at that to this day. So one day while we were actually in lab, aka: in the kitchen cooking, or should I say baking, this cocky arrogant guy walks over and decided to make fun of the cookies I had failed to produce correctly. That is a whole other story there, needless to say, my friend speaks up and says,"Hey Chris, what are you doing this weekend?" The one word response,"Working." My dear friend turns and asks me the same question, I answer it the same way, "Working." She began to get irritated and said,"Well what the heck are you doing after work, anything?" We both shook our heads and said "Nothing." Needless to say my friend proceeded to tell Chris, right then would be a great time to get my number and that seeing both of us were doing "Nothing" after work, maybe we should get together and see a movie. Needless to say that was the beginning of the end.

Now here is a little twist, the day we were suppose to go out on our "date" my cell phone had died and seeing i was a server I was waiting for my tables to leave before I could get out. Chris working an actual job where you get out at the designated time everyday, couldn't understand why on earth I wasn't answering my phone seeing I SHOULD have been off. He believed I was standing him up, and seeing I didn't have his number memorized as of then, I had no way of getting a hold of him. He was going to just say forget it but thankfully his friend at the time asked him,"You know where she works right?" Once again, Chris with his wonderful one word responses goes, "Yeah." Thankfully for his smart friend, he says, "Well why don't we just swing by and see if she is still working." Praise the Lord that his friend had a working brain other wise, my children would cease to exist. As I was wiping down my last table of the night, they come strolling through the door, I about died of embarrassment.....let me explain. I worked at Ruby's Diner, the uniform we were required to wear consisted that of a red and white pin stripped, candy strippers dress. To make this horrible uniform complete we had to wear pantyhose, white socks, a white apron, and a little white thing-a-ma-jig that had to sit on our head and make you either feel like you were wearing a halo, or bozo the clown, take your pick. Needless to say, once again I was feeling less then attractive, as he comes strolling through the door. My cheeks become bright pink because I did not expect him to come and see me while I was working. Oh, the worse thing was, I had been giggling like a giddy little school girl my whole shift about him, how I looked forward to that night all week. My question to most woman right here is, why do we all like to make each other feel uncomfortable and goofy? I had told my girlfriends I had worked with all about him, so needless to say when he got there.....do I really need to finish the rest of that sentence, because if you have ever done what happened to me to someone, well then I really don't need to finish that sentence. OK, OK, for all that feel the curiosity building,(remember the phrase, Curiosity Kills the Cat, well here it goes) one of my girlfriends walks up to him and goes, "You must be Jenna's hot date, she hasn't stopped talking about you all night." OK....Where is the pin to pop that oversizes EGO head of his....HA! He looked at me and smirked, oh how that smirk always won its way into my heart, even when I became mad.

That one night, that date, I do believe sealed our fate....no...I did not become pregnant on that date, I am just saying, there was always something more, even if we chose to be blind and ignore it, there was always something there. We became pregnant the beginning of February of 2003, seeing both of us were raised in religions where abortions were never an option, it never came across either of our minds. I knew he was a good man when he told me,"If you don't want this baby, then have it and give it to me." If I would have only reminded myself of that years down the road when we hit our slump. We got married April 19Th 2003, just 10 weeks and 4 days after we started dating. Call it a whirlwind, that's what I call it, I was beyond nervous and the thought,"Are we doing the right thing" popped in and out of my head all that day. We barely had time to get to know each other and get use to each others habits before our first son, Lucas, was born November 2003. He was 7lbs 11oz of baby, pure, delightful baby. Then we brought him home, oh how life changed, I swear to this day he is paying me back 10 fold for the heck I gave my daddy growing up. We later started noticing that he had delayed problems, sensory issues, eating issues, talking issues. It was the beginning of the worse we thought, how could it get any worse then this? Well, we found out soon after that he was mildly Autistic. He didn't start talking until after 3, he would scream and hit us, wouldn't want us to hold him or cuddle him in the least bit. Your heart breaks because all you want to do is snuggle with your baby, I dreamed of the day I would have a baby and be able to hold him or her on my lap and read bed time stories. With Lucas that was not a possibility,you would have to hold him in pinned positions just to calm him down. That was the only time I held him close, was through our battles, bed time became an all night affair, hair was thin, and stress levels were thick.

In the midst of all of this, we found out I was pregnant again, right before that we found out my Papa,(my mothers, father) was very sick, they gave him 6 months to live, he only lasted 3. I miscarried right before he passed away, they believe it was due to the high amounts of stress I was under at the time. That was the hardest phone call I ever had to make, it was the last time I ever talked to my Papa, I told him I miscarried and it broke him. He said it wasn't fair that his passing would mean nothing, he believed that when he passed that some good would replace him, to bring happiness back to the family. My heart ached that much more, it hurt to hear him like that, for the very last time. He said that when he got to heaven he would have a talk with God, and he would ask him to help us through our hard time. The very last thing I remember him saying to me, and I can hear his voice to this day was,"I love you sweet pea, I love you very much! I will talk with you again soon." Talk we did not, he passed away about a week later. I flew out for his funeral and as I stood there listening to the preacher talk about his life, I heard in a whisper in my ear, "I love you Sweet pea." I still hear him to this day, he whispers in my ear when the going gets rough.

I believe my Papa kept his word because not even a month after I miscarried I was pregnant again. To those who have never miscarried, doctors tell you to wait at least 3 months after a miscarriage to wait to try again, you are basically letting your body recuperate from its trauma. Well seeing it was not 3 months, I was in a higher risk category this go around. My pregnancy went smoothly, well somewhat smoothly. Lucas kicked me in the stomach twice while I was pregnant and caused me to spot, he did not do it purposely, but my doctor no longer allowed me to pick him up. We found out we were having a boy, which unfortunately I have to say I was a bit disappointed, but soon got over it. In January 2006, my precious little Austin man graced us with his presence. He was a good baby, but a sickly one, by the time he was 6 months old he had had, RSV, Brocholitist, the flu,the Rota virus, along with 3 other little cold, oh and not to mention been stung by a scorpion twice. Needless to say he still has to have breathing treatments from time to time but all in all he is doing quite a bit better. As Austin grew and started to learn how to walk, the boys became closer, oh don't get me wrong, there are moments where we have had to pull them off of each other but that is siblings for you.

After Austin was born things became a little uncertain around the house, being a mother was harder then had ever imagined, not that I knew all of what a mother did, seeing mine wasn't there while I was growing up. I had my grandmother and my aunt, but that doesn't replace a mother figure. I did the best I could but I was lacking in house keeping abilities, which became Chris and my number one argument in the house. I was lacking the house wife duties that were expected of me at that point it time. Many things ended up being our down fall, you could say it was like our relationship became like a house of cards, you would say one wrong word and we would tumble. We no longer were able to hear each other, we constantly tore each other apart, nice words were hard to come by in our household. Never once did we fight in front of the boys but they could no doubt feel the tension seeing you could cut it with a knife through the air. I will not go into details but I ended up leaving, even though Chris cried and begged me to stay. He took the boys and I moved into my own place. This was the beginning of 2007, I moved out shortly after my 21st birthday, many have asked me if I regretted doing what I did, and I have a theory I would like to share with all because I am going to tell you NO....I did not and do not regret it.
Theory; you should not regret your decision's, your decisions become your life's lessons. If you have no life lessons you will never continue to learn and grow from your mistakes. Now am I saying you must always make mistakes to learn, absolutely not. There are just somethings where we all go, "What if?". Tell me, if you knew the "what if" would you change your choice? Because when you made the decision right there in that point of time, you were doing exactly what you wanted at that point in time. We all have consequences to our actions but are they all bad, or is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Here is more to my theory, think of something that you did, that was a life altering decision, would you change it? If you said yes, here is some food for thought. If you changed that decision, which way would your path of traveled? Changing one event in the past can set of a result of changing your life as you know it today. Would you give up what you have for something that MIGHT be what you wanted because you will never know for sure where the path would have gone. So....with all that being said, don't regret, live, love and except the things you can not change. Be happy with the imperfect life you have, if you strive for the perfection, you will never be happy with what life bring you. If I was to change one thing in my life with my life altering decision's, my children would cease to exist!

So now that I have established my theory, let me elaborate. Chris and I began to work on our problems, after I decided to stop being so stubborn. We both agreed to marriage counseling and so then the real work began. The boys stayed with his parents for a while, while we lived together and got to try to know each other again. He was working and so was I, we had the boys every couple nights during the week. Things seemed to get better slowly, then I got sick....very sick. I thought it was a horrible sinus infection at first, my head hurt, my neck got stiff and my glands were swollen. I went to the doctors and got some antibiotics, after 10 days, I still did not feel better, I was getting worse, night chills/sweats, achy body...it was awful. I could no longer take it, and I begged Chris to take me to the hospital. He felt that I was over exaggerating but took me none the less. I got there and I was running a fever of 101.7*, I was taken back twenty minutes later and my temperature was taken again, it was 103.4*. I wasn't able to take anything seeing i had taken Motrin and Tylenol only a few hours before that. They wanted to run tests but needed to make sure I wasn't pregnant. I laughed at the idea, even though the pain I knew it was absurd, we had been using protection, like we really needed or wanted another baby at that point in time seeing all the difficulties we were having. I told them I shouldn't be, seeing how I was there two weeks prior and the test came back negative. They insisted that they just wanted to double check, and I said, "By all means, do, but I am telling you, I am NOT pregnant."

The nurse walked back into my room about 10 minutes later and said, "Congratulations, you are pregnant." Oh how I wanted to insert my foot in my mouth and swallow my tongue all at the same time. I think I went sheet white but I remember my words exactly because of the look the nurse gave me after I said them. I remember looking at him to see if he had any hint of joking in his eyes, and me being a little delirious due to my fever, said,"You're joking right?" he shook his head no and said, "I take it you weren't trying?" Now here comes my sarcasm, "I am 21 years old, with 2 kids, my husband and I almost divorced, do you really think I was trying?" He chuckled a little and proceeded to say, " Well seeing you put it that way, no." He told me that they wanted to do a few tests to figure out what was wrong with me, and that seeing I was pregnant with a high fever that wasn't coming down with medications, they were going to admit me to figure out what was wrong. He then proceeded to leave the room as I was still getting over the shock of being told I was having another child. I was shaking from head to foot, I don't know to this day if it was from being scared or sick, but I do remember that sickening feeling in my stomach as I picked up the phone to call Chris and give him the news. I dialed the numbers as slow as I could, hoping that I could put it off a little longer. Finally on the last number I held it down as long as I could until I heard that it was ringing. I was silently praying that he wouldn't pick up the phone but I knew he would. He had taken the boys home and was waiting for my phone call to let him know what was going on. He picked up on the second ring and I could hear the boys fighting in the background and the tears started to fall. He asked me what was wrong, I asked him if he was sitting down, he told me yes, I told him to hold on to his seat because I just found out that I was pregnant. Then there was silence except for the kids, his next words were,"Are you sure?" Oh how at that moment in time I wished it was a joke and I could of said...HA HA...JUST KIDDING, but my words to him, "Yes Chris, I am sure, they just brought back the results." We both sat in silence then it was broken with, "Are you coming home tonight?" "No Chris, they are keeping me, they want to do a spinal tap and a CT scan and tons of blood work. I am being admitted as we speak. You are going to need to take the boys to your parents." More silence, "You there Chris?" "Yes, I am here, OK, I guess I will take the boys to my parents, do you want me to come back to the hospital tonight? A few friends called and they wanted me to come out with them, would you mind if I go?" Being the person I am, I told him to do what he thought was right, so needless to say, I ended up spending that first night at the hospital by myself. I was hurt, very hurt, but to me it was nothing new, something I should have expected.

That night I was in so much pain and my fever was up to 105*, I was being given pain meds for the aches, and benydrl, because i would start itching after they gave it to me, and I was also being given fever reducers that weren't touching the fever for the life of me. The next morning I started cramping but I didn't think to much of it, seeing I was so achy. I got up to go to the bathroom and I felt something warm run down my leg, and looked down to see blood. I paged the nurse and she told me to get back in bed until she got there. She came into the room and assisted me into the bathroom, as I sat down, I cramped again and about threw up from the pain. I felt something slide out of me, I heard a plunk into the toilet, and I knew what just happened, I had past what felt like a clot. Seeing I had miscarried before, I knew what it felt like, and what it looked like. I called the nurse into the restroom and she told me to get up slowly when I felt like I could. I did as I was told, and she slowly but surely got me back into bed, I was shaking from head to foot. I was sick to my stomach with fear, but in all reality, it would have made sense if I would have miscarried seeing my fever was so high. My nurse rushed out of the room to call down to ultrasound, they took me down about forty-five minutes later. I had a cervical ultrasound and what I saw to my reliefe when I looked at the monitor was a beating heart and a baby in a sac right where it sould be. I breathed a sigh of reliefe, a funny thing seeing less then twenty-four hours before I was upset that I was pregnant.

I was taken back up to my room and my OB/GYN came by to see me and told me I more then likely miscarried a twin by the size of the clot and that if I wanted to we could send it down to the lab. I told him it wasn't nessacary seeing my mother had done the same thing with my brother. I was put on bed rest while I was in the hospital, it was the beginning to a very long pregnancy.


I was finally released a week later, diagnosed with Ebstine Barr virus, a form of mono. I don't even know where or how I got it, but something that I will deal with the rest of my life. It hits when my immune system is down and it hits hard. I have to get shots in my rear when it comes back into flare, joy to me.

I went home and was told to rest, and that I was not allowed to go out or back to work for at least a month. So I sat, bored out of my mind at home, so very weak that I couldn't even help move when it came time to do so. I could barely watch the kids as we moved I was so weak, sitting up to long gave me the worst headaches and it made me pure exhausted. After a month I tried to go back to work but a week after being back I had to go back to the doctor for another shot because I was starting to have another flare up. My doctor then told me it was not wise for me to go back to work seeing I was pregnant and sick with this. He said seeing I had already had problems with the pregnancy and my body was already exhausted, that it just wasn't a good idea. So I went back to being a full time stay at home mom.

Most days I was still in denial that I was pregnant, it just didn't seem real to me. I didn't feel pregnant like I did with the boys. I never saw those 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test like I did with them. Chris use to joke with me that if I needed to see that to believe I was pregnant then I should have gone out and bought a pregnancy test. I should have, it would have been nice to put in her keep sake box. I have the ones from Austin, and I lost the ones when I found out I was pregnant with Lucas. Many think I am strange, and I will be the first to admit it, come on, I keep my kids belly buttons when they fall off, I am a mother, what can I say.

I went for my monthly visits to the OB, for the weight check, the measuring of my belly, along with the gooey gel on my belly so we could listen to the sweet heartbeat of my child. All was going well since my sickness. Even though I was still tired, the baby seemed to be doing well. I gained my weight, she was growing like she should so we were none the wiser to the life altering finding we were soon to learn about!