The began like any other day, I got up with the boys around 6am and then proceeded to take a shower while they had their breakfast and watched their morning cartoons. Chris was still asleep but he was aware that the boys were in the living room watching tv, so he had an ear out for them, or so he said. I was excited, today was the day that I was going to be finding out if I was having a boy or girl. I started blogging once I found out I was pregnant and I blogged one imparticular;
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Oh yes, for those who want to know my due date.... March 12th 2008. I am 12 weeks I will find out here in the next month if I am having a boy or girl, to me I no longer care, a healthy child is all I ask for
The irony of it all, just to read that now. How that is all I wished for, a child with ten fingers, and ten toes, that was pink and healthy.
After my shower, Chris proceeded to take his and I got the boys ready along with myself. I was singing as I got ready because I was so nervous and excited. I wanted a girl but I prepared myself for a boy because I already had 2. My doctor thought he was funny durring one of my visists when he asked me which I prefered, I told him a girl of course...he smiled and said he thinks I am having a boy but not to worry because he only has a fifty percent chance of being right. He chuckled to himself over the joke he just made, while I didn't find it as funny as he did.
We finally were ready to head to the doctors and as we were driving the five minutes down the street I asked the boys what did they want the baby to be, a boy or a girl? Lucas thought about it a moment and when he didn't reply I asked him if he wanted a brother or a sister, to this he replied quickly, "I want a sister!" Chris swore up and down that I coached him and taught him to say that, I beg to differ. As we pulled into the parking lot I looked over at Chris and asked him what he prefred and he said he didn't care, then I proceeded to tell him I beg to differ on that also. We both chuckled while we rode the elevator up, we got off and were in a joyous mood as we walked into the office. I signed in and waited for my name to be called while having my conversation with the Lord, tell him that I truly didnt care but then again I did. That I would love a little girl but I would be happy with a boy, or I would learn to be happy with all boys. I went back and forth in my conversation with him, if I was talking with someone in person and aloud, the converstation would have went a little something like this.
GOD: So, Jenna, which do you prefer? A boy or a girl?
ME: In all honesty I dont care, I just want a healthy baby, but it would be nice to have a girl, seeing I have two boys at home. I want a little girl to have tea parties with, to sit and play dress up with, to read fairy tales to, and when she gets older to help her buy her wedding dress. I want to be "Mother of the Bride", no just "Mother of the groom." I want to be there holding her hand while in the delivery room telling her to push and to breath. I want her to call me with her questions of rasing a baby. But then again three boys could be fun, they would all be mommies protectors. I would have mama's boys, the ones that would come home and give me a kiss on my cheek and say "Hi mama, whats for dinner?" they would be the ones that would be proud to bring their girlfriends home and say, "Yup, thats my mama!" But, once again, in all honesty, it doesnt matter. But a girl would be nice.
That was about how my converstation went with God, until my name was called. Chris pushed the stroller as I walked ahead of him., more like ran, why they make you drink so much water for an ultra sound is beyond me. I know they want your bladder full so they can make sure the baby is pushed up a little higher and all, but lets talk about this. I swallow my saliva durring pregnancy and I have to pee like a race horse, then lets add what seems like a gallon of water to that, it is cruelity of the most extreem kind to a pregnant women.
So as I am laying there and nice warm gel (which is strange seeing it's cold most of the time. I also have to mention, even though it was nice and warm, it made me have to pee, how rude is that!) So back to this nice warm gel, it was then squeezed onto my belly, i began to get really nervous. A million thoughts began to rush through my head, "What if she tells me congratulations, you are having a boy. Will I cry? If she tells me I am having a girl, am I going to cry? What if she tells me I am having twins.....Oh my gosh...twins...no...lets not even think about that."
"Well Mrs. McLaughlin, do you want to know what you are having or do you want to be suprised?" I gulped and nodded my head, "We would like to know." I said a little braver then I felt. She smiled and said, "Well I take it you want a girl because you have 2 boys, am I correct?" I just nodded and held my breath in anticipation. "Congratulations, you are having a girl!"
"REALLY???? A girl.....you're serious? We're really having a girl....how sure are you?" I looked over at Chris, he wasn't sharing the same excietment I was, he kind of looked shell shocked, there went his dream of his basketball team. The ultrasound tech laughed at me and said she can't say she is hundred precent sure but she was high ninties. I was through the roof and over the moon. To say I was happy was an understatement., I think we were suppose to have a girl this time because Chris and I could not settle on a boys name for the life of us. Boys names came so easy with the boys, not that time. We had narrowed it down to two girl names, Elizabeth Marie or Lilyana Annsaleigh or Lilyana Ann Marie. My poor children, such long names, but beautiful names.
As I was off in day dream land, I had failed to notice the Ultra sound tech was going over the same spot on my darling baby girl. When she told me she was all finished she said something that will forever stay with me, "I am going to need you to come back at 20 weeks for another ultra sound. I couldn't see the babies heart like I should have been able to. It most likely isn't anything to worry about, you just probably aren't far enough along yet. But I would rather be safe then sorry and have you come back to double check."
I just nodded my head, I was still on cloud nine. I didn't even give it a second thought, I have two healthy children, why would one of them have something wrong with their heart. Heart problems don't run in either of our familes. That was about the extent of thinking about it, as I picked up the phone to call everyone and tell them. There was a lot of squealing, congratulations, "have you picked a name yet?" and "It's about time."
I made my appointment for another ultrasound for three weeks later, I was only seventeen weeks after all. I told everyone that I was going to have to go back for another ultrasound, I made mention of what the tech had told me also, but none of us really thought anything of it. Three weeks came so quickly, all the while I was so excited. I was looking at pink and purple baby bedding, girl clothes, and baby dolls (I know I know, kind of early, but that is how bad I wanted a girl). The night before the second ultrasound, was the first night I showed any sign of remote fear. I remember laying in bed, Chris was holding me as we were falling asleep. I asked him,"What if they find something wrong with her heart?" Chris groggly replied, "Everything will be fine, like the tech said, it probably isn't anything." I nodded into his arm and said he was right and we fell asleep. The morning came quicker then I would have thought, or maybe I was just exhausted, which is never far fetched!
I remember that day so clearly, I will never forget it, it was the day that changed our lives forever. It was getting cooler outside, so when I got up I put on a new long sleeve maternity shirt and my favorite pants, pulled my hair back and threw on a touch of make-up, (Never left the house without it durring pregnancy). I remember grabbing the car keys and getting hugs and kisses from all my boys. I gave Chris a kiss and told him I would be back soon and to have the boys ready so we could take them to play when I got home. I walked down to the car humming to myself, I got in and drove the three minutes down the street. I held my belly as walking into the building, all they way up the elevator and into the office. I signed in and sat down, while still holding and now rubbing my belly. I couldn't shake a feeling at the time, I can not even tell you to this day what that feeling was, I guess you could call it a mothers intuition. Then my head kicked in and thoughts went about a thousand miles a minute.
What if something is wrong with my daughters heart. What does that even mean? How would we go about fixing it?
My thought process was inturupted by the tech calling me back to start my life altering event. As we walked back the mindless prattle was passed between the both of us. She asked me if we had chosen a name for our daughter yet. I told her we had narrowed it down to a few names but it was between Lily or Lizzy. She had me lie down on the table and once again placed that warm gel on my belly. As I lay there and watched the montior, we both fell silent. She was busy doing her work, I was busy with watching my daughter. I was fascinated with her, she was opening and closing her hands and kicking her little feet. Even though I couldn't feel her that well yet, I knew she was having a party in my belly that day.
I then turned my attention back to the techs face, trying to read her to see if she saw anything bad. I am thinking ultrasound techs go to a special school to teach them how to hide their facial emtions. I couldn't read her at all, so I asked, then I heard the question that I would come to hate hearing the answer to, "What do you see?" She kept her face guarded and said, "I really can't discuss the findings with you, the doctor will come talk with you afterwards." So as I lay there my anxiety kicks into over drive. I knew something was wrong, cause if everthing was fine she would have said so. She finally wrapped it up and handed me a towle to wipe my belly off, she told me she was going to go get the doctor and they both would be back.
I began to bite my finger nails, bad habbit sorry to say, when I get nervous. I keep checking my wrist for my watch, which I so conviently left at home. I was trying to keep my mind occupied, so I wouldn't jump to any horrible conculssions. Needless to say, the conculssions I came up with, would be nothing compaired to what I was actually about to find out. I got up from the table and began pacing, another horrible habbit I have to say when I am nervous. Finally I heard the door opening, I walked back over to the table and sat down, which I am glad I did. My doctor grabbed me by both of my hands and held them as he told me the news that NO parent EVER wants to hear.
"Jenna, we are sending you to a perinatologist, it is a high risk doctor. He will be doing a level 2 ultrasound to get a more detailed veiw of the heart but as of right now, she is missing a chamber. She has a congential heart defect. She will have to have surgery when she is born but these days, the medical feild has come a far way, and the things they can do are amazing. I will have the receptionist call you will your appointment, you will be able to have your questions answered then. I am so sorry?
Oh how I wish sorry would have made it all better. I was trying to digest this news, by myself. To this day I regret leaving Chris at home with the boys, I needed him that day. I was numb as I walked out of the room. The hallway seemed to strech on, like it does in horror movies.